beauty is not just on the outside.

i suppose with these new enlightenment's in my life lately i'm viewing life in a different light. i lost sight of things that mattered to me, dreams i once had forgotten, and the real important things in life.

i'm far from perfect. i don't want to be a preacher or push my views of the world onto anyone else. blogging has always been a sense of freedom. it lets me take my crowded thoughts in my mind and release them. so take my words just as they are, my personal views.

yesterday was a whirlwind of being busy. my saturday felt used and abused. no relaxing, no time to do what i like to do on my weekends. but it ended up being ok. not only was i able to be in a discussion on how our brain works, choices we make and how they are engraved into us and thinking errors that may lead us to believe us we are invincible, i was able to spend time with someone who truly uplifts me.

this someone i am referring to is someone i dated, or had a fling with, about five and half years ago. we've recently gotten in touch and have been spending a lot of time together. when i'm around him i want to be a better person. those little things i forgot come back. like how sometimes i curse too much.. or how some of my bad habits that normally i don't care what you think about them, i care. maybe it's because i've seen how much he's grown up over the last five+ years, or maybe i'm seeing something different in people. either way, being around him makes me feel like i'm worth what people tell me i'm worth.

we are not dating, or at least we haven't discussed that, but as he puts it "you're my main squeeze" and he reminds me that i'm worth more than i give myself credit for. that i'm more beautiful without my makeup and hair done. that i'm an amazing woman. the little things that some people forget are important to hear and he always says them out of the blue.

society has brainwashed us, well at least me, into believing that in order for me to look beautiful i need to be dressed to the nines, hair and makeup done perfectly and accessorized. i need to be a certain size or weight to feel sexy when i'm naked. i need to do and say certain things to fit in. that is all a bunch of bullshit.

ladies, we are beautiful creatures. God made us the way that we are for a reason. you have freckles because it adds personality to your gorgeous face. you have a crooked tooth because you are flawless everywhere else and it only makes you even more beautiful. you have a giant scar in a visible place, it shows you've survived whatever it was you went through. you have curves because it accentuates your beautiful body.

don't let the past crowd your future. don't let the people who put you down determine who you are going to be or where you are going to go in life. this includes family and close friends. be you because that is the most beautiful and perfect thing you can be. i know it's easier said than done, but remember how you feel when you are apologizing for something you may have no control over. or how you felt when you were being scrutinized for liking something someone else didn't. WHO CARES.

i've been the pushover, the bitch, the cry baby, the i'm too cool for you and the hermit. i've had my share of each "worlds" and i can tell you that not one of those parts of me ever got me anywhere in life. it never brought me true happiness, friends or someone who truly loved me for me.

i guess you could say i'm currently a question mark. i'm in between the optimist, the hermit and the one who wants to see others happy while still holding my ground. i'm not saying you need someone to be your main squeeze to see these things or remember what is truly important to you, it's just what has helped me.

some of the things i think are pretty awesome about myself..

i'm quirky.
i'm ocd.
i love strange and weird music.
i'm not afraid to have an opinion.
i hold onto the things that matter.
i remember the important things about the ones i care for.
when i love you, i love you fully. if that love was really a true love for me, getting over you, even if i broke it off, is still hard.
i want to make a difference.
i feel i was born in the wrong era, maybe even century.
i'm a total history geek.
books are my escape from the real world.
and last but not least.. i do want to find someone to love and spend the rest of my life with. even though i very rarely admit it or deny it at times. it's true.

i know this post is kind of all over the place but these are some of thoughts going through my mind. i hope you found something useful in my ramblings. enjoy your beautiful fall sunday.

oh and remember, you all are my main squeeze.