i know it's been a while since i've posted anything on here. life has just been so overwhelming with things i'm unable to share.
recently i've been making some very big life changes and each day i feel better and better. it also makes hearing bad news that much harder.
i know i'm not a perfect girl. i know i've made some mistakes, ok a lot of mistakes. i know i push people away in fear. i know i do stupid things because i'm not thinking of anyone but me, aka selfish. i know i've hurt people i care about and love.
i also know that i have a kind, generous soul who would avoid hurting anyone if at all possible. i know that i am talented, smart, beautiful on the inside and out, generous, loving and a damn good friend. i know that i would take a bullet for anyone i love and care about, even if i just met you.
recently i felt unbelievably betrayed by someone i trusted more than life itself. i know they don't seem to think it was betrayal because lets face it, we're human. we try to defend our actions as much as possible. regardless, my heart felt like it was ripped into pieces last night as i was putting two and two together. it reminded me of how big of a fool i am. how naive i can be. how sometimes i put too much trust in people i shouldn't.
it's sunday of labor day weekend and after milo woke me up this morning i knew i needed to go for a drive. i didn't know where i was supposed to go or what i was supposed to do, but i ended up at work. i suppose it was time for me to blog and get out some of the hurt i've been feeling.
life is extremely short. you have no idea when your life, health or freedom can be taken away from you just like that. you blink and it could be all gone. you cannot let the past hold you back. you cannot sit and ponder on the what if's. you have to thank God for each day you have because you may not have a tomorrow.
this week has been the first week in a very long time i've been this emotional and even though i've always prided myself on keeping it together and hardly ever being a cryer, i've let go this week. each day something comes up that brings tears to my eyes. happy tears, sad tears, or hurt tears. i'm learning it's ok to cry. to be vulnerable, weak and emotional. it feels like my rough exterior is slowly falling apart around me and i'm transforming into something so much more beautiful.
this journey is hard, excruciating at times, but it is worth it. i found a quote that has been replaying over and over in my head.
"all you have to do is pay attention. lessons always arrive when you are ready, and if you can read the signs, you will learn everything you need to know in order to take the next step" - paulo coelho (the zahir)
how true is that? i've always believed that God doesn't put something in your path unless you are ready or capable of handling whatever that is. right now, it's my turn to hold one of the greatest burdens i've been put with. everything will be ok and as i remind myself each day, this too shall pass.
i hope that you are having a safe weekend and are enjoying the day off, if you get it.
don't forget you are amazing and wonderful in your own way and it's up to you if you let that wonderfulness shine or hide it away.
(title of post from lasso - the band perry)
Sunday, September 2, 2012
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2 comments:
Your attitude will make or break you, but I feel you're on the right track. Not that it's up to me or anyone else to validate you, but I do want to say that. I hate to hear when you're hurt, I truly do, but I also know that *most* of these experiences are needed to confirm and build your strength. You've grown more mature, more philosophical, and although it can be a painful process I feel with everything I have that you'll find it worth it. Some things you won't forget. But for the most part this time in your life will one day be but a faded memory and you'll be left shining as you're meant to, even brighter than you are now.
I've been watching my blog roll and dropping by here often. I want you to know that when times get tough, I'll always count you as someone I can trust. That's kind of random I guess, but I mean it to say that despite any mistakes you might make along the way, you have a huge heart and I know it's in the right place. You're amazing and I hope you'll always remember that.
I hope you know if you need ANYTHING that you can always email or text. I know sometimes it's nice to just be left alone but if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone who won't judge then I'll be there for you.
Thinking of you and missing you.
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