my safe spot, and a bit of a rant.

my safe zone

today i was sitting on the roof of my work building, taking a break from everything, soaking in the perfect weather and light rainfall. i turn on my music and peter bradley adams serenades to me. he helps me remember why i love music. why it has such a special place in my heart.

yes we all love the hip songs, but nothing beats a soulful, heartfelt song. with the basic instruments and a very talented vocalist. those are the lyrics that you sit and doodle in your room and hit home. they don't sing about sex, using others or being the sexiest/wealthiest person. they are the songs you want playing at your wedding for your first dance because it isn't over played, over used or too hip.

i love going onto the roof of my building because no one can find me up there. i love looking over the valley and again at utah's gorgeous rocky mountains. i love the breeze that hits my face as i take my five minutes to myself. no one is judging me. no one is there to wonder who i am, what i'm like or what my past is decorated with. i have my five minutes of safety.

you know why i started this blog? to be able to talk freely about anything i wanted, or needed to. i tried to keep it anonymous but word gets out and before you know your whole family is reading it or people you work with. you have to watch every word you say, every post you put up. it ruins the freedom of speech. it takes a piece of me away. feeling like a prisoner in my own mind for not being able to be me.

as i'm being serenaded now, i don't care what those people think. this will forever be my space. if you don't like what i write, don't read it. i will never use real names unless necessary. i will only talk about how i feel and what i think. it is not your right, or anyone else's to take that away from me. i've already had so much freedom taken, i can't take much more.

in times of tragedy, terror, trauma and feeling haunted, you truly find out who your real friends are. if the situation involves your friend who is friends with the person involved, how do you chose sides? or should you stay neutral? should you be supportive and ask yourself how you'd feel if you were in that situation, or how you did feel in that situation?

for a long time i've been struggling to get back into the swing of things. not knowing who to trust, who i want in my life, or how i want to live my life. i think one of the safest things i have in my life right now is one of my dear friends from high school who is a cop and will protect me and stand by my side if need be. i have my twin and her unconditional love and support. i have my mother, who through everything i've put her through, still stands by my side and tells me how strong i am and she will be here no matter. last but not least, i have God. i have the one most power being by my side helping me each step of the way.

i may not be participating in an organized religion or follow the standards and guidelines that most religions have in place, but i know i am a daughter of God. he watches over me and is there in the most difficult times, even though sometimes you, or i, may not be able to feel Him. when i listen to my serenading music, such as the most talented peter bradley adams, it reminds me he is always there. he brought that into my life. everything happens for a reason.

i remember when i went to see my therapist last year around this time, she told me that i was brought here to be a teacher. to help those who are so closed minded to be able to see another side of the world. to realize that we are all human and no one is perfect. every experience i've been through, as hard as they have been to deal with, i am learning something to help someone else.

you know what? i'm ok, i will take on that burden if i can help others in pain and suffering. as i've said before, i'm not alone, you're not alone. we cannot let our families, certain friends or co-workers dictate our lives. i am a victim turned survivor, no matter what anyone else tries to tell me. i am a strong, self sufficient, beautiful woman and i deserve the best. i do not deserve to be chastised for my life choices that differs from yours. i do not deserve to be belittled into thinking everything is my fault when it comes to a fight or an argument with a friend. i refuse to let them get to me anymore.

so from this day forward, my real name will not appear on my blog anywhere. pictures may be scarce and far and few between of my face or anyone close to me. if you know my real name, please refrain from calling me by that and use missy.

not only is the roof of my building a safe spot, my blog is a safe spot. it helps relieve tension in  my mind, body and soul. it will continue to be that for me. regardless if you chose to read it or not. i will no longer take down any posts i put up out of courtesy. THIS IS MY SPACE.

god i've missed writing. this was beyond refreshing. have a wonderful, safe weekend my loves.

oh and a word of caution - be careful what you say about me behind my back, because one day i am not going to be able to keep my mouth shut and i will tell you exactly what i think of you instead of keeping the common courtesy of "if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all." you will hear exactly what i have to say and i will not feel bad for hurting your feelings because of the many many many times you've talked behind my back and accused me of things that are far beyond true.