i'm ready now, i'm not waiting for the afterlife.

do you remember when you were a kid? i'm talking like three-eight years old, where nothing mattered besides being able to play with your friends, snow ball fights and little crushes with passing notes in class? do you remember being asked on a constant basis, and probably still do, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" if you are free spirit and adventurous soul like me, you will dabble in things here and there.

i've worked in many great professions that where each job has taught me lessons i will never forget. i've gone to college and a technical school. i've traveled pretty much all over the state of utah for living situations. but you know what? i have absolutely no fucking idea what i want to do. i want to do everything. i want to travel the world and live in a whole in the wall shack next to the beach with no bills or worldly expenses to get in the way. i want to travel to italy and learn how to cook homemade italian food and feel what it's like to have the unspeakable/unbreakable family bond. i want to live in manhattan running runway shows, designing clothes, doing hair and make-up. hell maybe even open my salon.

my biggest problem? i've lost myself. every time i think i am finding myself and start picking up the pieces something else comes pouring down. the last two and a half years i've pushed myself so far down that there is a huge part of my subconscious, when i've had one too many drinks, that honestly believes i'm not worth a damn thing. i can get mean, violent and pick fights, do things i would never do soberly. i've completely lost my way because i've never had to have a reason to "grow up".

i always say that i feel older than i really am but the way i've acted the past few months, i've been beyond childish. there are no excuses, or anyone to blame but myself. i will never forget when i worked as a server one of my fellow colleagues told me that we pick our attitude. if something upsets you, you can either let it stew and make your attitude worse or you can say fuck it and cheer yourself up.

i've been living in a self-denial, pity party mood. things are rough. i haven't handled things well at all. but you know? i'm tired of being the "sayer". i've never been just a "sayer". i've ALWAYS been a doer. i've always been a leader figure and pushed myself to be the best i could be. the past two years? i honestly can't say that. i've lost it. no one can tell me how to fix it but all i can do is rely on God to help push me through this funk and help me get to where i need to be.

life is short, and i am tired of wasting my days worrying and being anxious of things i have absolutely no control over. - yes this is much easier said than done - but rome wasn't built in a day and if i recall the light bulb wasn't made on the first try. if you are in the same spot i am and am feeling the same way i am, do NOT feel like you are alone. someone is there, someone is always there. i remind myself this on my darkest days. i remember that for whatever reason i'm on earth, it's for a purpose and i'm not going anywhere until i've fulfilled that purpose.

i'm going to be great. i am going to stop treating myself like i am not worth the best or that i don't deserve it because i know for a fact i do. i was raised better than how i've been acting and treating myself. i'm tired of holding back and pretending everything is going to be ok as long as i come into work and go home and sit on my couch. i'm tired of dating mediocre men or guys who want me just for my looks. i want someone who is going to look at me every day and say "God damnit, how did i ever get so lucky?" and by golly if i ever do choose to settle down you better believe i'm not going down without getting exactly what i want.

whatever i set my mind to is exactly what i'm going to get. how i tell myself i am, is exactly how i am going to feel. how i dress affects what people think of me and my deminar. i am a beautiful, strong minded, intellegent woman who has been selling herself short. enough is enough. i'm done waiting for something to happen, i'm going to make something happen damn it.