kids scare me, but not him.

yesterday at work i got a call from my sister in law asking for a last minute baby sitter. since i haven't seen my nephew since the wedding i said of course. i left work as soon as i could and headed to get milo to take him to my twin's house and then head over to their house to play with cayden. as i was driving, my anxiety kicked into full swing. i had to keep breathing and calming myself down. sounds stupid right? well i'll try to explain the best i can.

since my breakup with cute guy, i've had a lot of time to do some thinking. i remember four years ago when i took a trip to arkansas to visit my aunt and her family. she was pregnant with her fourth baby and we were going to help out while she recovered. at the time i was dating my ex fiance and we were in the complete honeymoon stage of our relationship. i was unbelievably baby hungry. i wanted a baby so bad and was so looking forward to getting married... que mormonism.

living in utah, growing up mormon and surrounded by mormons, we are brain washed into believing that once you graduate high school you are supposed to find a returned missionary, get married in the temple as quickly as possible and have babies. since i was revisiting the mormon religion when i was dating the ex, i guess that brain washing was taking over. after the trip i can say i was cured of craving a baby.

it's four years later, and i haven't craved a baby since. the older i get, the more afraid of having children i am. i'm petrified. doesn't mean that if i get pregnant and end up having a baby, i won't love and adore it. i'm just not sure if i'll ever be ready, or have that desire to have a child. growing up the way i did, i've always been extremely independent. i have never really had to commit to anything my entire life. i'm fine to be a lone.

this last month especially i have just dreaded the thought of kids. doesn't mean that i don't still love and adore my twin's kids or my nephew. there must be a screw loose... anyway, once i got my sister in laws house and saw my adorable nephew, my anxiety went away. he is getting so big and we ended up having a blast together.

things are a little rough right now in my life and i'm still trying to get everything organized and figure out what the hell is going on, but for the few hours i got to spend with my little one it felt like everything was going to be ok. enjoy some of pictures from last night.

he is so curious and loves to say "uh-oh"

he has the most adorable laugh

he likes to do things by him self aka climb stairs, go down the slide etc

he is extremely smart and listens to directions very well

he loves watching cars and playing with his car toy

while reading he wants to know what everything in the book is. he will point and say "this" to every picture

when i put him to bed after a half hour of crying, i picked him up and held him while singing songs and tickling his face. he started to drift off after that

he is getting so big and i can't believe it's already been a year and a half since he was born. time is flying by and i still have a hard time realizing he is my nephew and will always be around. i told you, commitment, adding new people into the mix, it is hard for me to process. not that i don't absolutely love and adore him, because i do. he definitely melts my heart and sometimes, sometimes, makes my ovaries skip a beat. i'm glad i was able to spend some time with him last night. i've missed him.

hope you are having a wonderful tuesday..