Wednesday, March 28, 2012

i'm a fighter.

depression runs in my family. some people are lucky enough to not have the genetics while the rest of us are not so lucky. each person suffers differently. some do it quietly so that no one knows. others lash out and show all the clear signs. being antisocial, not wanting to get ready, sleeping as much as possible etc.

when i was in high school, i never had a thought in my mind that i had any form of depression. i was a teenager who had a good life. i had a nice car, a good job and fantastic friends. i did things that comes with being a teenager in high school. i went to the games, the dances and the parties. even after graduation, i never felt any part of depression. right out of high school i got an amazing job and moved out of my parents.

sometimes were harder than others, but i always thought that was just life. i was wrong. i do suffer from depression. it may not be as bad as others, but it is severe enough that i am on a high dosage of medication and have prescribed narcotics to help with my anxiety and panic attacks. if it wasn't for my twin, i would never have gotten on the medication i needed. i would have continued to suffer through the roller coaster of my life.

when we got mia, i felt an instant change in my life. things were already going so well because i had an amazing boyfriend, the worlds most amazing best friend and i was getting along with my family for the first time in years. but mia, she was different. she took over my heart in a way that no one could have ever imagined. that little rug rat was my baby. i absolutely adored her.

the day i took her to the vet was by far one of the worst days of my life. i felt hurt, angry, upset, and the depression rose to a higher level that my medication had no control over. right after mia's passing, i had that god awful cyst. the pain level was unbelievable and unbearable. more things kept popping up within a two week period and i wasn't understanding why this was happening to me. i could feel myself getting angry to the world and feeling like life wasn't worth it anymore. i cried all the time, i felt pain that i never had felt before and i was starting to feel completely lost.

the last month has been incredibly rough. anytime i would see a dog it would pull at my heart strings. commercials, pictures, the name mia. it all brought the sadness and pain right back into my life. i even ended up finding myself in a bad situation at work that i normally would never have been in if i had been in the right state of mind. finally, i had enough. sunday was the last straw. i saw a dog that looked just like mia when she would have been full grown. i started looking at pups that night and my twin, the sweetheart that she is, found the litter where we got milo and marley from. even though cute guy was saying no, she knew how much i needed him. she knew i was falling.

the past few days i can't even tell you the difference i've seen in myself. i feel happier, lighter, more confident. i've actually gotten ready (i normally roll out of bed, through on my work clothes and head in) and have been getting up early. milo is the next stepping stone in my life. he is helping me in ways that no one can. the unconditional love that a dog can give is unspeakable. even within the short time i've had him, i can already feel the bond growing between us.

within this last month i've learned a few very important things.

god knows what we can and can't handle. we were given shoulders to bare the weight.
i'm absolutely stronger than i thought i was.
i need the responsibility of taking care of something to help better myself and motivate me.
my twin is in my life forever and i know i can always count on her for anything.
i'm more than capable of being able to take care of myself. i do not need a man.
that no matter what life throws at you, something good will be around the corner. even if it is something small.

depression is an awful disease which affects more people than most would think. i'm grateful that i have the support and love to help keep me above water and moving forward. i am a beautiful soul and have a lot to offer the world. i will not give up on life because i get thrown a few bad things. i have a wonderful life and i'm going to cherish every moment of it.

one last little tid bit, i just got out of a meeting/training for work and the topic just happened to be stress management. i loved every minute of it and am so glad my boss chose to talk about that topic. stress is a natural part of our life and it is up to us on how we let it affect us. we are the ones who control our mind. i've been doing this for the past few days and like i said above, i've already noticed a difference. i'm making a change in my life and it is for the better. i'm moving forward and no one is going to stop me. i'm too stubborn and strong willed to let that happen.


Rebecca Jo said...

Oh sweet one... I suffer from depression. Its something I dont think people understand unless they have dealt with it.

So glad you're on the upswing... I think your heart fights depression best when its choosing to love something... & this new little one in your life? Yep - full of love to give!!!

Hugging you! Know I'm always one that can relate with your struggles!

Welcome to the Lovely Life of Leah said...

you're really brave to speak so openly and candidly about your depression. It sucks, but I think a lot of people can relate (diagnosed and not).
I am soo excited about your new puppy! That's awesome you knew what you needed to feel happy again. Your bond with your sister is so awesome and your puppies can be friends forever too!

Amy said...

I really really love this post. I love that you openly talk about your struggles, and about your strength. I especially love that you mention that God knows what we can and can't handle, so so true. I'm so glad to hear that things are turning around, and so happy that you and Milo have each other. He's a lucky pup to have you for a Momma :)

melifaif said...

I am so happy you have a reason to smile again. Soem people don't get it. But pets provide an UNCONDITIONAL type of love that not even best friends can give!!! i.e. They NEVER even hold a grudge or get and stay angry at you. I feel your pain. I know your anxieties. I am here for you friend...even hundreds of miles away. So glad you have your BFF!!! SO GLAD! She ya sister.

Nicole Marie said...

i am so glad you're feeling better.
it's amazing what dogs can do for you. mine is my emotional support animal.. really he legally and everything. he can fly with me on planes for free.
but he's so much more than that. he makes me instantly calm when i feel a freak out coming on

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

I went through a nasty fight with depression my freshman year of college. I think that all the changes plus being homesick and then my boyfriend breaking up with me just broke me. Add into the fact that my sorority "sisters" basically dumped me because I wasn't fun and I stopped going to classes, stayed in my dorm all day and one night try to kill myself.

It was a horrible time in my life, one that not many people know about. So I know your pain. And that's why I know that when you find something that wakes up your heart then you need to grab onto it.

Milo is darling by the way =-)

Barry said...

Chels, I'm sorry you've gone through so much hurt but you've come back strong. One of the things I love most about you and this post is your willingness to talk about things as personal as depression. Not only is it a courageous thing to do but it's also incredibly important, I feel, because it helps other people connect with you. People who are also experiencing this in their lives.

As you know most of my blogging friends and readers are women in their twenties, and the conversations I've had with many of them have helped me realize just how prevalent depression is. Posts like this help people understand that they're not alone.

I've had pets most of my life and those people who have know that they become members of the family and make their way into your heart very quickly. I've lost a few and I know firsthand the heartbreak that comes with it. I'm so, so glad you decided to get another pup.

I went through PTSD after my car accident and I know the strain that emotional trauma can put on relationships. I really hope you were both able to stay strong together through this ordeal.

So happy to see that gorgeous smile again Chels, you wear it well. You're definitely a fighter!

StephieJ said...

Depression is hard. My best friend died of mono 1.5 weeks before my 16th birthday and I struggled for YEARS. It wasnt until about 3 years ago (when I was 21) that I was able to actually be okay. That I told myself that I need to breathe and move on and that I will be okay. At that point I became a stronger person and was able to see how I really should have been living my life. In the next year I got out of an abusive relationship.. the next year I started changing my life and lost 40 lbs.

Sometimes you need the change to make you feel better (like getting Milo).

I'm happy you're doing better :)

Ms. Chianne said...

I'm so glad you opened up about this. I too struggle with depression and have for awhile now. I have been on what seems like every medication out there. If you don't mind me asking, what do you take? I'm glad you found something that works well for you and hopefully I can do the same. Hang in there girl.

Amber's Blog said...

Hey Chels! I've missed you and I was so sorry to hear about your little puppy. I remember when our dog passed away how hard it was. I'm glad to hear that your new little friend is helping. Love ya chels!
love, Amber.