vampire crush.

i know i'm a little late on the vampire diaries wagon but omg do i love it. total crush on stefan salvatore aka paul wesley.. if i could have one night with him i would totally take advantage of him. just sayin..

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delicious..

who is your latest celebrity crush?

bows.

remember how i told you that i've been watching grey's anatomy lately? well i finally caught up on all of the seasons and started private practice. my life is kind of boring right now especially with everything going on, so tv shows and hanging out with milo is how i spend the majority of my time.

i have a small fetish with bows right now and i saw this on charlette king. i can't help but want one just like it.

or like these..

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what are you having a fetish with lately?

i don't have a choice, but i still choose you.

last night, i got a call from my city police department asking me to come out to my car. someone had broken my drivers side window but nothing was taken. they believe it was a personal attack and asked if i knew anyone that would want to do something like this to me. i couldn't think of anyone. but i have a pretty good idea as to why it happened.

i've always said that karma is a bitch and will come back to bite you in the ass. this last month or two i haven't been myself. i've been beyond depressed and done things i normally would never do. i was craving attention and was getting it from people at work. cute guy read a few things that really upset him and we are over and done with. it is my own fault. i was selfish, feeling insecure and alone.

not only did i lose cute guy and any potential relationship with him, i've upset my twin. she sent me a long list of things that are wrong with me. she made a lot of really good points and i know i'm the only one who can fix them.

i know that the window in my car will be fixed and for whatever the reason, it happened to remind me that shit is going to continue to happen in my life until i do something to make things change. maybe i need religion back in my life, maybe i need a fresh start or maybe i need therapy again. i'm not sure what exactly it is i need, but i know that i need to make a drastic change before i lose everything in my life that is worth holding on to.

my heart is hurting today. i've hurt people i love and care about. i've made a mess of things when i could have prevented all of it. i know it is always hard to admit your faults, but that is the first step into making things better, right?

sometimes i drink too much and cannot control my emotions
i'm afraid of commitment and push people away by doing stupid things
i don't push myself enough to care about certain things that i should care about
i'm terrible with relationships
i have insecurities which lead me into bad situations
i have too high of expectations about my life for how i'm acting

i know those are only a few of my faults, but not everything can be shared on the world wide web. i hope that i can make the changes i need to better myself or else i fear something even worse is going to happen. i hope that if any of you who read this and are going through something similar, please learn from my mistakes. it will help you in the long run and save you from a lot of heart ache.

live my life.

i know i've been a terrible blogger with keeping you updated and commenting on your lovely blogs, but there has been a lot going on. cute guy and i have been spending time together again, my parents have sold their house and are in the middle of packing up the past nine years of their life and being sick on a constant basis.

even though i'm feeling like my head is going to explode from the sinus issues i'm going through, i'm feeling happy today. i wanted to share with you a few things that have been making me happy, maybe you can do the same.

my new purple dress that twin and i bought a few months ago but is just now being worn

remembering about shoes i forgot i had

my bangs, it took some time to get used to but now i love them

my twin and milo's brother, marley. they can sleep in any position

case in point

he will have one floppy ear and one that stands straight up. it makes me giggle

sushi date nights with cute guy, twin and husband

looking for hair and make up inspiration, isn't this gorgeous?!

enough said

feet pictures, so simple but still so precious

there are a lot of other things that make me happy, like making new friends, laughing till i cry, watching netflix, eating breakfast burritos in bed with cute guy, watching milo's tail wag like crazy, having girl chats with my twin about anything and everything, working at a dive bar and really enjoying it and the people around me, my tattoos and remembering why i got them, hugs and kisses from my little munchkins and a good glass of wine.

even though life has seemed unbearable, beyond amazing, content and crazy at times, my life is good. sometimes i underestimate myself and how strong and talented i am. sometimes i forgot that people love me, even if they don't fully understand why i am the way i am and sometimes i forget that no matter what i do, pushing things under a rug or running away will never solve my problems.

i hope you are all having a wonderful day, and i love you. hopefully you can remember what makes you happy lately so that when you are feeling down, it will cheer you up.

kids scare me, but not him.

yesterday at work i got a call from my sister in law asking for a last minute baby sitter. since i haven't seen my nephew since the wedding i said of course. i left work as soon as i could and headed to get milo to take him to my twin's house and then head over to their house to play with cayden. as i was driving, my anxiety kicked into full swing. i had to keep breathing and calming myself down. sounds stupid right? well i'll try to explain the best i can.

since my breakup with cute guy, i've had a lot of time to do some thinking. i remember four years ago when i took a trip to arkansas to visit my aunt and her family. she was pregnant with her fourth baby and we were going to help out while she recovered. at the time i was dating my ex fiance and we were in the complete honeymoon stage of our relationship. i was unbelievably baby hungry. i wanted a baby so bad and was so looking forward to getting married... que mormonism.

living in utah, growing up mormon and surrounded by mormons, we are brain washed into believing that once you graduate high school you are supposed to find a returned missionary, get married in the temple as quickly as possible and have babies. since i was revisiting the mormon religion when i was dating the ex, i guess that brain washing was taking over. after the trip i can say i was cured of craving a baby.

it's four years later, and i haven't craved a baby since. the older i get, the more afraid of having children i am. i'm petrified. doesn't mean that if i get pregnant and end up having a baby, i won't love and adore it. i'm just not sure if i'll ever be ready, or have that desire to have a child. growing up the way i did, i've always been extremely independent. i have never really had to commit to anything my entire life. i'm fine to be a lone.

this last month especially i have just dreaded the thought of kids. doesn't mean that i don't still love and adore my twin's kids or my nephew. there must be a screw loose... anyway, once i got my sister in laws house and saw my adorable nephew, my anxiety went away. he is getting so big and we ended up having a blast together.

things are a little rough right now in my life and i'm still trying to get everything organized and figure out what the hell is going on, but for the few hours i got to spend with my little one it felt like everything was going to be ok. enjoy some of pictures from last night.

he is so curious and loves to say "uh-oh"

he has the most adorable laugh

he likes to do things by him self aka climb stairs, go down the slide etc

he is extremely smart and listens to directions very well

he loves watching cars and playing with his car toy

while reading he wants to know what everything in the book is. he will point and say "this" to every picture

when i put him to bed after a half hour of crying, i picked him up and held him while singing songs and tickling his face. he started to drift off after that

he is getting so big and i can't believe it's already been a year and a half since he was born. time is flying by and i still have a hard time realizing he is my nephew and will always be around. i told you, commitment, adding new people into the mix, it is hard for me to process. not that i don't absolutely love and adore him, because i do. he definitely melts my heart and sometimes, sometimes, makes my ovaries skip a beat. i'm glad i was able to spend some time with him last night. i've missed him.

hope you are having a wonderful tuesday..