Tuesday, April 30, 2013

the greek godess.

i was thinking that my post yesterday seemed rather drab and dreary. it wasn't meant to be a cry for help or feeling picked on. sometimes i just need some place to put my thoughts and figured someone might have needed to hear they aren't alone.so i thought i would lighten the mood today.

i haven't talked much about hera, my latest addition to the family. she is so spunky and if we are friends on facebook than you have seen many pictures of her. she can be a handful but she is such a cuddle bug. she loves to play with milo, follow me around the house literally everywhere. she has a beautiful coat and she has the perfect puppy dog eyes that make it hard to stay mad at her when she tears apart pillows (we are on pillow number four i believe) anyway, here are a few pictures of her growing.

Monday, April 29, 2013

for everyone who wasn't saved.

ever since i read green eggs and ham all by myself as a child, i've been enthralled with reading. i would read anything i could get my hands on. horror, cheesy romantics, kid books, short stories, crime novels, literally anything. i don't know what my fascination with the written word was when i was a child or even a teenager, but now i read to fall into the world in which the book is surrounded.

when i read, i can see the characters, i picture their outfits, their faces, how they talk. i feel their pain and their happiness. it's ridiculous how much i relate to the books i read. sometimes i think i read so much because where i'm at in my life right now, anyone's life seems better. then yesterday as i was opening my kindle and a new book had popped up in my collection. i don't remember purchasing this book but figured i'd read it anyway.

the book was called the coincidence of callie and kayden.

the first thing that caught my attention was who the book was dedicated too.

for everyone who wasn't saved.

this of course made me want to know what the author, jessica sorensen, meant. as i read on, i couldn't stop reading it. i could relate in so many different ways with each of the characters. feeling alone, not being able to trust someone from a tramautic event that's happened in your life. knowing you'd rather feel physical pain than feel anything humanly normal. making yourself appear to be someone else to hide from yourself.

anyway, my point to this post is that the relationship callie and kayden had wasn't perfect, it wasn't the romantic novel that everyone loves to read. it was a challenge but they kept pushing forward. i hope one day that i can find someone who will push forward with me and not give up on me or only see the outside of me. maybe one day i'll be able to open up in the way i've recently wanted to do. but if it never happens, i'll be ok.

have a good one my loves.

Friday, April 26, 2013

you don't always have to be strong.

i try extremely hard to be the strong tough one. showing no weakness or vulnerability. but sometimes, just sometimes i can't help it. with the medications i take, if i go off of them for too long it literally turns me into an emotional wreck. well, the past few weeks i've been off my meds.

normally i can handle criticism. i can take a verbal lashing. i can deal with it. but today is just one of those days where it's one thing after the other that is breaking me down bit by bit. i can't always be tough. i can't always handle the criticism. sometimes i take what they have to say, go back to my office and all i want to do is curl up under my desk, turn on my music and disappear from the world.

unfortunately, this is not an option. i work in an extremely professional environment and i have to put my feelings on hold. i have to be tough, showing no weakness or vulnerability. i hold my head high and smile.

but it's times like this that it reminds me, it's ok to be vulnerable. it's ok to feel and show a little weakness. after all, we are human, not robots. all i can do for now is take big deep breaths, remember my strengths and let go of what i cannot control.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

you'll never truly understand unless you're one of us.

in all reality, i would never wish the severe anxiety i feel onto anyone else. it truly is crippling not only over your mind, but over your body, soul and emotions. you literally are left curled in a ball with every negative thought overtaking your mind while you doing everything in your power to keep a steady breathing pattern.

as for an example, my little brother over the past year has started to have extreme severe depression/anxiety to the point he couldn't be around large groups of people without a panic attack rising within him. my father, who is the high end business, CEO, macho man, has had the hardest time trying to understand what it is that not only little j and myself go through but why it happens.

unless you experience it yourself, you will truly never understand what it is we go through.

let's give some examples:

you heard about that poor kid who hung himself because after trying to beat his anxiety on his own with no one believing him and how he felt, and the constant bullying at school he finally felt the only release, the only escape from the pure torture he was going through was saying good bye to his earthly life.

then we have the beautiful girl who puts on the pretty smile, dresses in style and keeps all her anxiety hidden deep inside in fear of being ridiculed or made out to be a loser. she is the girl who goes home and takes that razor blade to her wrists or thighs when no one is looking.

these are the tortured souls who do not realize there is help out there for them. that someone, somewhere understands. they may not be able to completely relate because each of our stories are different but we all have common ground.

at one point or another we have all felt so utterly alone we have done anything we possibly can to feel alive. to feel that pinch of humanity to know we are not in a dream state, we are not dead. we are living. we have felt that pain searing through us to remind us that we are still breathing and are very much alive.

the reason why i bring i this topic up is because for the past six - ten months i've dealt with severe anxiety and depression. i've had few things motivate me to continue on picking myself up and moving on with my life. my job, my dogs, a few of my closest girl friends and my mom. but i won't lie when i say there are moments that the thought of cutting myself would release pain i couldn't release on my own or how easy it would be to pop all my pills and slip into a deep sleep never to wake up.

but i fight these urges. i remember the people i've loved and lost to suicide and wished there was something i could have done to be there. it is hard for a lot of people with severe anxiety to realize that there are people out there who care. who will love you until you last breath and will do anything to protect you.

your boss may not understand that the mere fact alone you are at work, with a smile on your face is a triumph in your book which they may tear down with yelling at you because you didn't do something they wanted done.

i honestly believe our government should spend less time worrying about gun control and more time helping those with mental disabilities. maybe we'd see a huge decrease in suicides, near death experiences and such. all i know is that with the health system we have now i have a hard time trusting my doctors with the meds she prescribes me. maybe one day our society will have pulled it's head out of it's ass and noticed that mental health, anxiety, depression, bi-polar etc can trigger a lot of the issues we have been dealing with.

maybe one day.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

the news.

i'm sure the majority of you saw the video from "the newsroom" on HBO in where bill macavoy, a news anchor, is asked, "what makes america the greatest nation in the world?" and replies with one of the most honest answers our nation has heard in years. if you haven't seen this clip, i've included it below for you.

of course after watching this clip, i knew the series had to be something worth watching. and my friends, my friends.. i have never watched a series that has motivated me to want to know more about what is truly going on in the world. what it is the government refuses to share with us because they are continually numbing our minds into thinking we are brilliant when in fact we are at the dumbest level of any generation to reach american soil.

throughout the series there is a love story, death threats, lessons learned and life lived. the cast was perfectly put together and each episode had me on the verge of tears. if you have hbo, or ever have the time to watch this series, i highly recommend it. i truly cannot describe how this series changed my life. ok there might be a few curse words throughout the series, but that's about as "bad" as it gets. seriously though, life changing.
i miss the days when you didn't feel an obligation to help others. when it came naturally.

i remember when i was junior high (middle school) when we did sub for santa. this was about 11 years ago. each grade/classroom went to raise as much money as we could to help families who couldn't provide the christmas their families deserved. we raised above and beyond our goal because we wanted to help. we wanted to make their christmas something to remember. we knocked doors to raise the money needed.

what happened to those days? when we wanted to help. we wanted to make a difference and now, it doesn't feel that way. how often are we forced into a situation, instead of choosing, to volunteer or provide community service? we pile excuses onto excuses. we pick apart our government when the changes we want to see can start with us? what's that infamous quote again.. oh that's right.

be the change you want to see in the world.

this show reminds me of how i used to care more about others than myself, than my own picked own sorrows. when it comes down to it, most of the sorrows that i have are of my own doing, while others didn't have a say, a choice, in what happened to them. how selfish have i become? i would like to think, hope, that i'm better than that. but when it comes down to it, am i really better than that? i suppose that is really what i wanted to get across.

who is to say we are better than anyone else? what difference are we going to make by doing nothing? maybe, just maybe, these clips will help share the same light it shed upon me. to be the change we want to see.

enjoy a few of my favorite clips.